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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Bachelor Blog - The end of the Reign of Tierra[r]

**Editor's note: I didn't edit this shit at all... enjoy**

Tonight we're drinking Moscato.  Leah, Gizmo, Bella and myself...kind of.  Bella and Gizmo are not drinking.

Because we're stupid moronic girls, we don't really remember our drinking game, but we're going to drink for the hell of it.  I feel like that's always a good call.


Just from the preview of this episode, he makes out with EVERYONE.
How is going to St. Croix with the ladies a rule breaker?  I'm confused.  Have I mentioned recently how much I love (sarcasm) that AshLee is a personal organizer?  I really really hope they just change that to "OCD."  I do not care how many times Tierraist calls AshLee a cougar, she'll always be Wide-Eyes to me.

One-on-One with Wide-Eyes.  She's already crying and she is 100% gonna drop an Lbomb.  They swim to their destination of fun, which I don't know what it is yet.  Meanwhile, Des, Lindsey, Lesley and Catherine chat about the Tierrable human.  Please watch that over and over.  It's funny.  Back on their date, Ginger just asked about the drama in the house and she went straight to Tierra...and he says he believes her, but I don't believe it.  At all.  1....2....3.... nope... I jumped the gun on the "L bomb".  I'm gonna finish my drink if she says it.  Commercial break leaves us with the idea that AshLee has a big secret....please have kids...like 5 of them.

Back to the girls not on the date, Tierra got the second one-on-one and she's ALREADY complaining.  Why don't they have little recording devices.  Damn you, ABC!  Ginger just said that his date with Wide-Eyes has been incredible, but it looked so boring.  Let's get to the secret: Wide-Eyes used to be a man!!!!!!!  Just kidding, she's been married before...when she was 17.  Wait a second...where did she live that she was able to get married at 17??  Whatever...that's not a big deal.  I want to get married for the hell of it, too.  She did just scream that she loves him...my drink is gone.  Can he not say it back?  Is that a rule of the show?  I'd be screwed... I'd never drop an L bomb.  Especially not after 6 weeks.  Or ever.  Have you met me??  Did he even give her a rose yet?

One-on-one date with Tierra.  They're at a marketplace?  Could he have chosen a less romantic date?  There better be a seriously awesome dinner.  Ginger didn't buy you shit dumb bitch...ABC did.  Her Chinese bracelet that means "love is forever" is actually just an infinity symbol...which is Greek.  I think.
Ginger on TV: I'm really enjoying my time with her [Tierra].
Me: You mean like as friends?  Because that's cool.
Now is time for Tierra's reasoning for the girls attitude toward her: They do their own thing, don't include her and she tries all the time to be part of it.... projecting much?  (Google that...it's Psychology 101)
Good, they're at their super boring romantic dinner...and Tierra is still talking about her "connection" or lack there of with Ginger McCrazy About You Face.  I'm not even going to write anything else about Tierra because I am bored out of my mind with her.  It is sad when the only way that Ginger will figure out Tierra is bat shit fucking crazy is if the production crew has to step in to stop her from being violent.  LET'S DO IT!!!!

Group date time: 5am pictures without make up.  Then they have to be out and ready to go in 20 minutes.  They did a pretty good job, to be fair.  I love that Lindsey forgot to shave her armpits.  He also said "sunset" when he meant "sunrise."  Ok, they got to be the first 4 people to see the sunrise.  That's pretty banging.  Now they're on a road trip.  It took 4 hours to get to the first destination - the sugar mill.  BOOOORRRRINNNNGGGG!  On to a cafe for lunch...and back on the boring road to a treehouse...which is fucking AMAZING....2 hours after the sugar mill.  On to Sandy Point...where we will see the sunset.  They're a few hours early...what shall we do?!  Go in the water!!!  Good thing he put his penis on Catherine's neck...otherwise this'd be a weird beach bash.  Note: Catherine won't look at Ginger when she tells him about her Dad being Baker Act-ed.  It's weird to me when people don't look at each other when they talk.  Though, I did that on Friday...and every other day... Also, Ginger looks more blonde today than normal.  Leah thinks it's because his Nordic face is so red.  Lindsey and Ginger are so natural together, but she's obviously uncomfortable about being on a group date.  Des is too damn cute...she's a family girl.  She NEEDS a home-town date.  But I'd be fine if she stopped fucking crying like a little bitch.  Group date rose goes to Lindsey!!!!  YEAH!!!!!!!  HELL YEAH!  Heads up: Leah and I just CHEERED.  Out loud.  I still think Catherine is going home.  Catherine and Lesley...but we'll see how Lesley's date goes...

Lesley's one-on-one.  Best moment: Are you ready to go to Arkansas.... PAUSE... yeah...  No way she just balked on saying she's falling in love with him...that shit's gonna get her sent home...but high five to her for not faking it.  mjnki - That was Gizmo typing...  Anyway, that was the whole Lesley date?  Yeah...done-zo.

In comes Shay - Ginger's sister.  I hope she steers him in the "right" direction.  Man, Lesley's out...she won't open up to him and that was Shay's biggest concern...bam...let's do this!  Wait, Shay told Ginger before he got there "Don't end up with the girl no one else likes."  Can we talk about Wide-Eyes bashing Tierra through her parents.  Her parents say she has a sparkle and not to lose it.  She's apparently 5 years old.  And apparently they call "shit for brains" sparkle.

I can't even get to the Wide-Eyes vs. Tierra battle because of the amazing-ness.  I am going to try to find a youtube of this because I can't even do it justice.  I tried.  There isn't one...sorry

HOLD THE PHONE - Tierra vs. Shay:  So Ginger goes to get her and she's crying.  Man, he is so bored with her crying.  I love how much this issue about getting along with other people is weighing on Ginger.  That's a good sign.  It's also totally true.  It also means that I'm going to get duped into thinking bitch is going home when she's not... I need the second bottle of booze.... Sweet Red, here we come!

Remember last week when we decided to do a happy dance and chug our drinks when Tierra goes home.... HERE YA GO!!!!
video   video


Ok, so now Catherine is crying in the next segment...let's find out why....so one person is gone (Tierra!  HELL YES!) and Lindsay as a rose...so who else is going home?  I'm going with Lesley...for not opening up to him at all about anything.  All the other girls have...so I think that's it.  Leah says she did after her 3 minutes kiss... I don't remember this....

No one knows Tierra is gone yet?!  This is amazing.  They're all going to be so happy.  So what breaks Catherine down later??  Shit...it's Wide-Eyes....she's going home.  I still want it to be Lesley, but who knows...Wide-Eyes should go talk to him...she's a pretty cool girl aside from the Wide Eyes and Wide Boobs (WEWB).

Rose Ceremony predictions: Leah says - She'd like it to be Catherine but she has a sneaking suspicion it's going to be Wide-Eyes.  I'd like it to be Lesley, but again with the Wide-Eye suspicion.
**I've been right about the order as well...just FYI...**

Going home: Lesley.  Lord I am SO FUCKING GOOD AT THIS GAME.  Wide-Eyes was close, but I think you're allowed a certain amount of crazy and drama after you've admitted that you love someone...to their face...while screaming it to the world.

Lesley cried...and it's official... I'm drunk...Did Catherine just make this about her??  Anyone else think that Catherine is going to volunteer to go home??  BTW, maybe if Lesley's dress wasn't so ugly she'd have a shot.  I just saw her strapless bra.

Next week: Ginger asks Lindsey's dad for her hand in marriage just in case he doesn't get a chance to ask him later... we were so looking forward to the army brat family visit, but Des' brother wants to FIGHT GINGER.  I'M WAY TOO FUCKING EXCITED FOR THAT!!!

Until next week, slut-lovers... (Special 2 part week next week!)

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