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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Whorenation part 2: The Debbie Episode

So let's get drunk.  You know the rules.  You know when to drink.  Play along.
We added a new rule: Care of Tracy Treetop: Every time someone says wife or husband, you drink.
What's the name of the game? BACHELOR
Why do we play it? TO GET DRUNK

**Disclaimer: to any Canadian readers or friends of readers or family members, I'm sorry for the upcoming absolutely negative conversation related to the Country of Canada... I'm sure you know I'm kidding^**

No shirt-less or pants-less shots.  That's not bad - no offense to Ginger, but I'm over his pasty, soul-less flesh.  Instead we get to look at shots of Lake Louise.  They think it's romantic?  It's in CANADA!  CANADA!!  Once again, CAN-A-DA!  G-ROSS.

Catherine and Ginger are going to play on a glacier.  She is excited about how natural he looks in the rugged outdoors.  Want to know why?  Because he is Ginger.  Nothing is as horrific and gross as Canada, except for maybe Gingers.  Also, he's pretty Nordic looking.  I'm totally into this fun outdoor blizzard date that he has with Catherine.  I'm so glad they gave him a snow bus.  Dude stalls out a jeep, but yeah, he could drive a snow bus.  Did he get his CDL for this show?  From there they go on a carriage ride to an ice castle for some deep thoughts with Jack Handy.  This is boring...let's talk about the group date.  I should make mention of her life story.  It was sad.  A girl died in front of her eyes.  Moving on.  Leah finally figured out who Catherine reminds her of - Shannon Doherty.

Group date: AshLee, 1AS, Selma, Lindsey, Daniella, Tierra, Lesley.  Hypothermia, one-handed-ness, wide-set eyes and drama are ahead.  This HAS to be good.  Man, they're canoeing across the lake?  Why do they keep putting 1AS in these situations?!  Maybe she'll drop her oar.  I'm going to hell...
OMG, they're gonna do the Polar Bear Plunge!  "You Only Live Once," says Ginger... "YOLO" shouts this blogger!  Do you SEEEEE how gingery that EMT is?!  He has to be in Canada, he'd DIE of sun exposure in the normal human world.  Today we learned that Selma is a large fan of the hyperbole.  She's obviously going to die if she does the Polar Bear Plunge.  Is Wide-Eyes crying already??  1AS was the first one in.  She wins.  Tierra was last...and ran immediately out.  Everyone is talking about how amazing they feel and how strong they feel...and Tierra is falling apart.  Didn't she have her own robe?  And towel and a blanket?  This sounds like it's her own fault.  Hold the fucking phone...with raccoon eyes and and a stink face...she cries "I missed time with him."  For half a second there I felt like she might be on this show to find true love. (That was a lie.  Sorry that I lie all the time.  I'm not actually sorry.)

Unrelated: I used to think the person (or one of the people) going home was Desiree because he says he just doesn't feel it with her anymore...but then I think that because Selma is the only one to not do the Polar Bear Plunge, she'll go home...but then I think he has to be getting wise to this pattern of crying - getting more attention - getting a rose and repeat of Tierra's...

I'm not going to talk about Tierrable Tierrorist Tierra, because everyone is talking all about it on the show.  I'm not going to bore you 5 readers with it.

Lesley gets the rose.  I'll take it.  She was so BAMF (in bamf [Banff]...I am so fucking funny) about the Polar Bear Plunge.  Going into the commercial, I'd like to reiterate the following:
1. I think Desiree is getting sent home.
2. I still dislike Tierra
3. Canada still sucks

Shit.  SHIT SHIT SHIT.  1AS is getting sent home.  Ok, well now she can definitely be the next bachelorette...if ABC is fucking smart about it...Ginger is about to break the heart of a handicapable girl.  I think that might be a hate crime.  This is totally a hate crime.  It's because she has one arm.  I just know it.  I'm going to start a club: People-Against-Gingers-who-Hate-Handicapable-Girls-When-Being-a-Ginger-is-Basically-a-Handicap-Itself (PAGHHGWBGBHI).  I'm the president.  Who wants in?
**Note: I like her luggage -- wait, they all have the same luggage!  Well, shit, I'd be on this train wreck of a show if I would get new luggage!!**

Gizmo is bored.
Desiree's one-on-one date.  Scarf, boots and gloves, but no jacket.  Leah just decided Banff stands for Bad Ass National Freaking Forest.  YEAH!  I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to rappel.  I want to spring off the side of the mountain.  If, ya know, it weren't in Canada.  Here are the reasons why I like Des: She rappelled even though she was scared and then she interrupted their cheesy picnic to challenge him to a tree-climbing game.    I mean, not that I agree with this method of meeting your mate, but if Ginger wants to marry someone who is his best friend, Des is looking like the right choice.  Back to the date: can we establish that Ginger's sweater is the worst.  THE WORST.  They're in a Tee Pee (but it's actually more of a wigwam), with a fire, an ugly sweater and a bunch of dream catchers...that seems stereotypical...and possible politically incorrect.

**I just saw a SHADOW of a tongue.  This is the worst day of my life.**

Debbie's proposed people going home: one or two of the three: Daniella, Selma or Wide-eyes.  Leah agrees with me.  Cocktail hour is upon us.  Let's see if Selma sluts it up (i.e. pisses off her whole family by kissing him).  Anyone else see that her eyes were slightly opened when she kissed him?  That's weird.  She just shamed the hell out of her family with that peck of a kiss..and the bresticles popping out of her too tight dress giving her quadro-boob.  So week 1, crazy Ashley gives Ginger a blindfold and she gets sent home.  Wide-Eyes gives Ginger a blindfold on week 4/5 and it's a sweet gesture reminiscent of her giving him the control in the relationship?  This screams sex swing and bondage, but safe for TV.  Maybe I'm just projecting...

We've already guessed who is going home.  Either way, I hope they get to leave Canada soon.  Canada is only good and being North of the United States....and being the Great White North (which basically means Canadians are racist.)
Roses go to:
**PAUSE:  From here on out, the rule is IF Tierra is eliminated from the competition, Leah has to do a happy dance (which will be video taped) and I have to chug a new beer (which will also be video taped).  Prepare for amazing.**
Ok, back to the roses:  Catherine, Lesley and Desiree (pre-emptively), Lindsey, AshLee, Tierra.  FUCK.
At least I was right about who was going home.  AGAIN.  You may regard me as the high priestess of choosing the loser of each episode of this vomitocious debacle.

There are 6 left.  Going to St. Croix.  At least it isn't Canada.
Quote of the Night: "I was in St. Croix once...when I was in utero"

New rule for drinking next week: Every time he says "I'm crazy about you" you drink.

^I'm not actually kidding.  I kind of hate Canada...on principal.

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