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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Yorkies, Basic Training and Bellbottoms, OH MY! - Bachelor Live-Blog

Gizmo passed out after drinking every time
someone cries, says they're crazy
about "___" or has a connection**
Welcome to this week's installment of frying brain cells via ABCs horrific programming.  Leah and I are chugging beers with Gizmo and prepared to give you the latest facetious and negative take on this weeks shit-show.


Which of these bitches is going home?  In a shocking twist of events, through trials and tribulations, Ginger McI'mCrazyAboutYou Face has chosen these four, minimally dramatic ladies to accompany him on his "journey to find love."  I, for one, am concerned about the lack of eyebrow raises.  Let's jump right in and start figuring out from what fucked up backgrounds these seemingly normal c-bags come.

Allow us to make our way to Wide-Eyes' home-town visit.  Leah's Yorkie - Bella - is WAY cuter than This Woman's yorkie.  Did you know that This Woman is totally going to have the intercourse with This Man tonight^?  I predict that she'll cry as soon as they're done.  Sorry, I just let my imagination run.  Ok, so they're about to meet her family...and they're drinking.  That seems like a good idea, if your parents are borderline alcoholics who have taught you at a young age that alcohol can be used to placate any situation.  In all fairness, it's a glass of champagne or wine and they're celebrating their "journey" here; and I'm a borderline alcoholic who has no room to talk.
She has an annoying Northern accent...and that's coming from a Northerner..  Anyway...  So they're off to see AshLee's family in Houston.  This is big for her.  Big.  HUGE.  Everything is bigger in Texas - especially the space between her eyes.  Mom went easy on Ginger... as did dad.  This is boring.  It's boring when two people kind of seem to work together.  I think Ginger is jumping the gun on asking if her Dad would be happy with him asking for her hand in marriage, but apparently he is going to do that with all of the ladies.  On a much more important note, can we just take some time to evaluate Pastor Wide-Eyes' (credit to Erin for this name suggestion) hair/facial hair?  Dear Hair Club for Men, here's your new spokesperson.  In addition, I cannot get over the fact that his hair is one color and his mustache is another one entirely.  I love that he just cried.  When dads cry, daughters cry.  It's fact.

Now we move on to Catherine's home-town date.  First they head to Downtown Seattle and see 3 of the 4 attractions Seattle has - according to modern media - Pike Place Fish Market, the Gum Wall and the Pier.  The fourth they did not go see was the Space Needle, in case you were curious about the fourth attraction.  Ginger and Cath-bot (no idea where that name came from...it just happened) caught fish from a monger.  They both do a decent job, but she did it one-handed...fucking champion.  Girl's a dork, and I am loving that.  That said, I'm still feeling like they're just bff (AEAEAE.)  She is fun, but she is definitely wearing bell-bottoms while running around Seattle, and that makes me want to stab a bitch.  Leah makes a valid point:  How is it possible that took this long into the season for her to open up and come out of her shell?  Off to the filipino sorority house where her family lives*.  What is orange-shirt-pearls wearing?!?! Her sisters seem none-too-impressed with all of this.  Maybe she has a history of these intense great relationships that start a lot like this one (minus the TV show thing) and all end for the same un-brought-up-yet reason.  Her mom isn't particularly warm toward Ginger.  She did not give him her blessing.  He leaves kind of lack-luster, I think.  I mean, fun date, but for as much as he tried to work within the family, it seems like no one is too sure about having him in Catherine's life, or theirs.

Mid episode update: I am really okay with Des going home.  She and Ginger had some sparks going on, but I feel like they fizzled out and ran their course.  We shall see how this plays out.

Let's head to random army base, Missouri.  Lindsey needs to - as Erin pointed out to me in text - learn to apply daytime make-up.  They wander around her small town which looks like it's straight out of an old western or Gilmore Girls.  After cupcakes they have a discussion of what to call Lindsey's dad that should have culminated with "Sir."  "Hello, Sir" would have been the correct outcome.  Don't call him "General"...please.  Then, The Wedding Dress Psycho Bitch makes sure that Ginger is "Army Ready" to meet her family.  I feel like I am overusing quotations here, akin to "Joey Quotes."  This army prep is awkward and hilarious...but I kind of feel like I'm a voyeur watching their intimate moments.  What is a "two star" general and why is it bigger or better than any other star amount?  Someone explain this to me, please.
Joey Quotes
Lindsey's family is really nice and welcoming.  Even her scary dad isn't scary.  Shit...I think I like Lindsey's parents more than Wide-Eyes'...  and yes, they're my final two.  Mr. Lindsey's dad is kind of a sweet guy and he gave his blessing.  Which is almost as crazy as her stepping out a limo in a wedding dress.  I don't think I could give my blessing to a dude who has known my daughter 6 weeks and has 3 other ladies with whom he is visiting family.  Then again, I'm not a dude with a kid...so what do I know?

Off to L.A. to see Desiree and her family.  She has missed him so so so much (over the last week or so?) which is normal because she has known him about 6 weeks and is in love with him.  Again, because that is normal.  Des's house looks a little like a TV set.  Wait, are they at HER house and her family is coming over THERE?  That seems so weird to me.  Is she the one who used to live in tents?  Or was she poor?  Maybe her parents didn't want him at their house because it's in a shanty town underneath the 405 or some other highway in L.A.  Next thing you know, Desiree's ex boyfriend shows up.  Let's say one word: scripted.  He's also the worst actor^^ ever.  He asks for the cameras to be turned off, but then obviously signed a waiver because he isn't blurred out.  I do want to give kudos to Des for using this as the best transition ever: now that he's here, there is something I have to tell you.  I'M A MAN!!!!  Just kidding, but Des does have a secret....and we'll find out... right after THESE messages from our sponsors.  Surprise!  She just pranked Ginger like he pranked her.  I'd like to say right now, that I JUST had told Leah that he was an actor...and I was right.  Maybe next time, hire a better actor though, because he wasn't good.  I still want to know why her family came to her house.
OH!  Des's brother is in totally love with her and he's creepy.  He also says "holla at ya," and he is the worst human.  I would not be surprised if he dropped "YOLO" next.  Ginger, darlin', don't even try to talk to Des's brother, he's barely gonna let you get a word in edge-wise.  Des is going to be so fucking mad at her brother.  Her brother's a fuck-face.  You know, I think I am right...he's in love with his sister.  This whole brother fiasco is going to get her sent home.  Ginger is way too family oriented for this.  He let his sister's thoughts and suggestions guide him with the last elimination, there's NO WAY he is going to voluntarily walk into a family life where someone already doesn't like him or give him a chance.

Now, on to the rose ceremony.  I think Des is going home.  Leah is still on the Catherine going home train.  Either way, shirtless Ginger resurfaces tonight, and for all you ladies out there who have been waiting, you may now swoon.  I'll be over here waiting for a T-shirt wearing pants-less Ginger.  Anyway, regarding the ceremony, if I'm wrong, it'd be the first time I've been completely wrong on this one and only season of The Bachelor I've ever watched.  Lindsey and Wide-Eyes are safe, for sure.  Desiree uses the long pauses built in by the production and editing team to ask to speak with Ginge in private.  I feel like she is sinking in quicksand and right as she's about to go under tries to grasp for anything to help pull her up.  Leah and I think he was going to choose Catherine and now that Des has cried her eyes out to him, he is having a tough time making a decision.  Whoever he does choose last is going to have to know that they almost went home and he wasn't sure about them like he was the first two.  That can't be a fun feeling.  Unless it is a TV show and you've only know the guy for 2 months...oh wait....

And going home is...Desiree.  I am the BEST EVER AT THIS GAME!  She is going to MURDER her brother.  Watch the tabloids this week... Nathan Last Name is going to go mysteriously missing.  I wonder if he'll bring Des back later on.  They took WAY too long on the good-bye and drive away for me to believe this is the end of her.

I'm beginning to fear that I might watch another season of this show.  IF, and ONLY if, the next bachelorette is 1AS.  Tomorrow, "Sean Tells All," which basically means that over unnecessarily long airtime he will tell us what's up with Tierra, 1AS, Desiree and I'm sure some stupid other stuff, like why he is always shirtless or his bromance with Arie.  Shamelessly, I am interested in those first three things...so I'll probably watch it.  Oh, did I forget to tell you that I've re-virginized myself?  I'm just like Ginger!  I ran my shower really cold, dressed myself in a cloak of Lifesavers candy pinned to a black bed sheet, and stood under the water until all the candy had been melted away.  I read it on the internet.

Must.  Turn.  Brain.  Function.  Back.  On.

End.

^ The use of "This Woman" and "This Man" is intended to poke fun of the way Wide-Eyes constantly refers to Ginger is "This Man"
* I'm sorry if this seems racist.  To be fair, my brother in law is half filipino, and my nephew and niece are 1/4 filipino...  If it didn't seem racist, please move along.
^^ At the time I typed that, I was not aware of the upcoming prank.  I'm just smart sometimes.
** My dog didn't drink any beer...do not call Animal Control.  He doesn't like beer anyway...he's a wine snob

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