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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Slut-Brigade: The Bachelor Live-Blog, Ep 4

Reasons to drink today:
1) Someone does or does not have a connection or chemistry
2) Someone is or is not there for the right reasons
3) Someone cries
4) You feel really bad about yourself for watching this shit
(you weren't wondering, but just in case, I drank most for reason 4)

Today's guests: Leah (no Bella), Favor and Sparxxx.


Immediate thoughts:
- I love that Tierra is the villain.  She's going to be The Bachelor's version of Trishelle from the Real World.  Do you remember that (s)cum bucket?  She made you feel bad for her, but she was pure evil.
- Thanks ABC for listening to my pantsless request.  Next time, make him wear a shirt though...it's weird but it makes me giggle.  It makes me think that maybe they didn't plan on him being partially naked, but that the cameras just walked in... Right?  RIGHT!?

Date card 1 - Selma.  Everyone hates her for having her date.  She thinks people only judge her for her pretty face...stuck up much??  First flaw: she talks about all the things she can't do.  How sexy is it when a girl is not confident and scared of everything?  So how, right?!  Anyway, could she be ANY more all over him?  Leah suggested the plane is on a tilt, but MAN they are rocking the PDA so hard.  I love how unhappy she is when she is in the desert and has to be outdoorsy.  I totally guessed this rock climbing business.  I would die to be where she is...literally.  Not instead of her.  If I was there I'd make her feel like a prima donna.  She hates everything.  She hates the desert, she hates heights, she hates everything.  1AS was way better at adventure. Ginger just said "your form is unbelievable"...he's checking out your ass, lady.  Where else would you spend a nice dinner after such a fun adventurous date?  Naturally, a trailer park!  That sounds like the PERFECT location for this show to take two people.  Second flaw: Asking "Why are you single?" is NEVER okay.  It's a nice way of asking "what's wrong with you?"  On this date we learn that Chastity Selma won't kiss him.  She says she won't kiss him until she is his only lady.  So he has to pick her at the end to kiss her?  That's not happening.  I don't think he fully understands what he is accepting here...  I just really want him to choose not to be the wedge between her and her parents and traditions. I wanted him to not give her the rose because of that.  What happened to the stand up Ginger?  My bad, he's not better than that...he has no soul...

Group date: Lindsey, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, 1AS and Tierra.  ROLLER DERBY.  HELL YES.  This is the first and probably last time I won't dislike this bitch, but Amanda is hilarious.  She told them she Roller Derby-d before....that's amazing.  They keep falling while she's skating around.  She is in their heads.
Sparxxx just had a great idea: if 1AS doesn't win, she should be the next bachelorette.  How amazing would that be if ABC stepped the hell up and used a handicapable person.  I mean, in case you forgot or didn't notice, Sarah has blonde hair.  Also, Sarah has pretty blue eyes.  Also, Sarah is shy and sweet.  That's basically all you need to know about Sarah.  Except for her arm.  Or lack thereof.  If you didn't notice it because you are an amazing person who doesn't focus on handicaps, don't worry, she'll tell you all about it.  All.  The.  Time.
Shoot, I kind of wanted the person who fell to be Jackie because she's been in the background so much.  She's not getting any camera time because she isn't particularly interesting, at least that we know of...ABC IS crafty like that.  Hold...was Catherine wearing leopard print leggings?  She wins in my book.  Forever.
Amanda comes back from the emergency room (after being the person who falls and busts her chin - only she didn't actually bust anything except everyone else's good time) and she is going to milk the sympathy card.  He is definitely going to notice that.  Robyn is getting antsy and over the whole Tierra thing...I just hope she does not pull a Kacie.  I love that Tierra thinks she's above all of this.  She signed up for this shit...she knew exactly what she was getting into.  How many humans in the world want to punch this whore's face??

Date card 3: Leslie H.  I like the vest going on on Ginger.  She's gonna get showered with gifts.  I have nothing to say about this.  I am in love.  With Leslie H. I'm bored of this date.  It's cute, but blah.  They're making it obvious that they have no chemistry, but the poor girl probably doesn't see it...too many shiny gifts to notice anything.  Leah and I agree that she's not going to get the rose...she's going home.  Which kind of sucks because she's a cool girl.  Sparxxx mentioned that it feels like they're at a job interview.  Let's see how this non-rose-ness happens.  I've never seen this before.  Why won't she cry?!  I want to drink.  See drinking rules at the beginning if you're confused by the previous sentence.

Cocktail hour #4.  Who is loving this part when he tells the girls how hard it was to let Leslie H. go, and everyone looks fucking thrilled that there is one fewer wench to battle?  THIS GIRL!  Robyn just provided me with my new phrase:  kiss it out?  Is that a new thing?  I'm going to use that all the time.  I'm gonna say kiss it out like a muth...
Yeeeessss....con-fron-ta-tion (Clap! Clap! Clap!Clap!Clap!)  Tierra pulls Jackie and Robyn to "apologize" which is Tierra's phrase for telling people what they did wrong.  Tierra, do NOT tell people "your bad".
Newsflash, as I am in cocktail hour, Erin facebooked me to tell me she wants to punch Tierra in the baby maker.  That's the second person I know of who she's been interested in punching in the ovary.  Tierra and Sarah Palin.  That should say a LOT.
Catherine just made me laugh: Tierrible.  PERFECTION.  Except this doesn't look good for her (Catherine)...I hope he keeps her around.

Ok, rose ceremony time.  Let's all guess who is going home:
Leah: Daniella, Des
Sparxxx: Catherine, Des, Amanda
Me: Daniella, Jackie
Favor: Daniella (Poor Favor has never watched this show before and borderline hates it...which is a VERY good reaction to this shit...)

Roses go to: Catherine, Desiree, Lindsey, Lesley M., Robyn, AshLee, 1AS, Jackie (FUCK), Daniella (again FUCK!!!)  Jayne is the only person who said Amanda at all.  This sucks for us watchers.

Things we learned: tantrums work; sympathy cards do not.  Bye Bye Sourpuss Amanda.

Let's try this again...Ginger can't drive a stick shift... oh honey, what man card?  You're ginger...there's no man card with that...

Raise your glass to the slut-brigade.  Until next week.

End.

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