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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Bachelor - Episode 3, Season "Waste of Time"

Leah and Bella

Let’s set this weeks scene:  Sweet Red Wine (and Little Penguin Chardonnay if needed) and I am joined by my lovely friend Leah who brought her dog Bella to join Gizmo and I on this blogging experience.

First I need to get some shit off my chest:
1.   Two weeks ago I loved Tierra; now I dislike her very much.
2.   Dear ABC, whilst I can understand the appeal of watching Ginger shirtlessly exercising for the typical woman, I find that it’s become too common place and boring.  Please stop.  At least change it up.  Maybe he can exercise pantsless next time?

Can we all agree that date cards are dumb.  This show is dumb, so really this is my issue for expecting more.  I digress.  Lesley M gets the first solo date card.  Thing is, sometimes she looks pretty and sometimes she looks manly.   I couldn’t date someone who I only found attractive part of the time.  I’m also incredulously superficial, so I suppose I’m the minority here.  Anyway, I know from the commercial that they set the world record for the longest kiss.  So have fun kissing a borderline dude, Ginger.  He keeps claiming that she is fun... but I'm starting to think that maybe Ginger is the fun by proxy everyone else seems fun.  Maybe Lesley M. IS fun, but I'm not sold. (Commercial break.) Ok, during this intro to the idea of breaking this record, Lesley is so incredibly awkward and uncomfortable.  I LOVE it.  FYI, I can totally make out for over 3 minutes, 16 seconds...EASILY.  Where's the Mayor when I need him?!

Actual conversation that Leah and I had during this segment:
L: I hope they're time skipping, because I do not want to watch this for 3 minutes.
D: Yeah, I think 4 seconds is my, if I see tongue, I'm done.
L: I hope they have a breath mint
D: Why did she just grab his entire head??
L: He definitely just grabbed some side-boob there...right?
D: the way, that isn't a dress...that's a shirt

At this point, you reader(s) should know that I'm still waiting for a "connection" or "right or wrong reasons" comments...
Man...every time Lesley M. and Ginger almost kiss, she gets so awkward… come on…do it… YEAH MAKEOUT!  Those are cute shoes... does want!

More date cards! (That was LACED with sarcasm.  I’m hoping like HELL that you assumed that and my parenthetical statement was entirely unnecessary.)

Wait...there's a rose (fake gasp!)...and a cBomb.  DRINKING!

Now we move on to the group date.  This should be interesting…? Woah, I just totally zoned out on this blog while watching Volleyball...mostly because I love volleyball and I'd have been way better at this shit than that.  Or I’m moderately sucked into the drama of 12 girls trying to get the most air time (excuse me, Ginger time) as possible.  OMG YES!  Kristy is crying.  HELL YES!!!!  CRY MORE BITCH!!!  I'm horrible.  Leslie H. is crying too???  Leslie, I thought you were cooler than that.

New rule/addendum to the cBomb rule...chemistry now counts for cBombs.  I still like Des.  I still think that she looks like Tabby.

OMG, that was MEAN of Tierra...dick.  As I re-edit this, I can’t for the life of me figure out what I was talking about (since at this point she hadn’t fake fallen down the tile stairs yet) but I’m sure it was 100% reasonable and I agree with my previous statement of her being a dick.

Gizmo trying to block it all out
What happened to privacy on these shows?  Is NOTHING sacred anymore?  They’re allowing the girls to overhear a conversation Ginger is having with one of the girls.  That seems so invasive.  Again, sense the sarcasm, please.  If you didn’t catch my tone in either of my two noted sarcastic comments, please stop reading my blog.  It will make no sense to you and you will begin to see me in a light in which I do not wish to be portrayed.  Did anyone else catch that Kacie hurt her finger and didn't cry.  I'm impressed.  Okay, kids.  This is the moment I have been waiting for.  There goes Kacie...getting it!  Get involved in something that has nothing to do with you.  Enjoy your one way ticket home…  Gizmo, by the way, is LITERALLY burying his eyes and ears from this horrific train wreck.  Can't say I blame him...

I love that Ginger just said exactly what I was thinking...why is KACIE the one who is saying something to him about Amanda and Desiree?  She's playing the game.  She's not stuck in the middle.  She's playing him and he knows it.

Ok so out of Creepy Amanda, Desiree, Kacie, Lindsey, Jackie and Robyn...who is getting the rose?  I think Desiree.  Leah says Desiree or Lindsey.  And the Oscar for best on screen performance of a female interested in a male she met two weeks ago goes to….Lindsey... Leah gets to drink.  I'm going to drink for the hell of it.  True colors time... Kacie is a moron who I really REALLY hope goes home today.

I cannot wait for Tierra to be “injured.”  I'm horrible.  I deserve to be pushed down the stairs.  Don't though...  Wait until I accidentally get pregnant, please.  Kthnxbai.  Oh, and then make it look like an accident.

AshLee is sooo pissed.  She should be.  Tierra is a conniving little ho-bag.  I maintain that AshLee's eyes are too far apart.  On to her date with the man of her very recent dreams:  I might love Ginger for doing this...but I'm not sold that this theme park is the best idea for the kids with mitochondrial diseases.  I didn't want to like their date because her eyes are too far apart, but I do.  Fine...she can stick around.  Whatever.  She was abused?!  Holy crap... give her a GD ROSE!  Best out look ever.  Eww I saw his tongue.  GROSS GROSS GROSS.  Have I mentioned before that one of my biggest dislikes is watching people make out if I can see their tongues.  It makes me hella uncomfortable.

Holy double standard batman...AshLee is wearing a pretty lace white dress and wedge heels...Ginger is wearing a red heather v-neck, dark blue/black cargo shorts, converse sneakers and a black hoodie zipper sweatshirt...yep...they’re not well matched.

Cocktail party 3:  Last chance for all these ladies to make some first (3rd) impressions... I'm excited to choose who is going home.  Ha.  1AS's dog got a limo!!!  And she so thought he was going home...that's so funny.  Did you HEAR her freak out?  Ginger… you’re crafty…

We are now into some Little Penguin Chardonnay.  Tierra and Desiree are fighting over the time they get to spend talking to Ginger...and now Lesley M.  Now Robyn.  Leslie H.  Hell, these bitches are ridiculous.  Then Amanda...I like Desiree, but bitch has to stop crying.  You’re crying over a man you HARDLY know.  What would your mother say about this!?

Hold the phone...Kacie's dress is sooo short.  She has barely any tushie cover...Leah thinks maybe because she has no boobs she's trying to flaunt her ASSets.  Fine, I can accept that and move on, but let’s focus on the actual fashion crime going on here…is she wearing a SCRUNCHIE!?!

OK, Rose ceremony...who is going home...let's guess.  I guess: Kacie, Taryn and/or Robyn.  Leah's guesses are Robyn, Leslie H and/or Selma.

Kacie B.  25 From Clarksville, TN.
Profession: Ben's Season  :)  Sounds right.
Getting roses: WAIT - Kacie gets pulled away??  HELL YES she is going home.  Fuck, why is he such a stand up guy?!  What kind of nice dude takes someone away from the crowd to send them home?  CRAZY.  She says she has shit, you're a moron who tried to make shit bad for your own gain.  You think Ginger wants you there?  They already have someone to create good dramatic television…they don’t need two of you.  By the way, you know how everyone's got their caption of name, profession and hometown?  Anyone happen to catch Kacie's?

Ok, back to getting roses...: Tierra (as Leah calls it “the pity rose”), Leslie H., Catherine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, 1AS, Jackie, Amanda (I still think this is a horrible call), Desiree.

Ok, so I was 2 for 3.  If I had replaced Robyn with Kristy I'd be perfect.

Let’s watch these broken hearted (cough-cough SARCASM) sluts walk out:
Taryn – She’s claiming she is going home because she was guarded.  Maybe she wasn't ready.  Maybe she wasn't sweet enough for him.  LAME.  I think you’re going home because you didn’t talk to him at all and you didn’t want to fight for his attention like you said in week 1.  Let’s all be on board with that one.
Kristy - No one cares that she was sent home, least of all her...she got her book cover deal.  HEY CROCODILE TEARS.  Leah wants to know why she's walking weird.  Maybe she overdid herself in the worst volleyball game I’ve ever seen?

Leah is now predicting that the three she doomed to exile will be cut next week... now we shall see.  Though just a few seconds later she’s retracting this because his ex was black.  Isn’t that reverse prejudice or something?

Until next week, slut-fiends.


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