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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Bachelor "Live"-Blog...2 Days Later

In case you don't remember, the following reasons will cause me to drink:
(1) Someone says that someone does or does not have a connection.
(2) Someone says that someone is or is not there for the right reasons.
(3) I fucking feel like it.

Tonight we (and by we, I mean "I") are drinking Red Diamond Cabernet Sauvignon.  I know TJ isn't going to like the fact that it's not one of his wines, but until someone buys or sends me one of his wines, I drink what I have...

Let's start Episode 2 of Season Whatever of The Bachelor.
I'm all about done with the shots of Ginger working out.  I also firmly believe he already knows who he is going to choose.  No matter what happens and how crazy the lies get, he isn't going to change his mind.
What the shit is a date card?  I don't's for 1AS (one-armed Sarah) who just said she's just like everyone else inside...a moron who thinks she's falling in love on a TV show.  If it were me, I'd be scared of the helicopter taking off my good arm.  Too far?  Oh well!
New drinking game: take a sip every time Sarah references that she has one arm.  I'm not blind.  Obvs.  I'm watching you on TV.  You don't need to state the obvious for me.
Commercial break 1 - 1/4 of my wine glass is left.  Because of drinking reason #3.  This drinking game isn't cutting it yet...
I don't even have words for this free-fall thing.  Not one word.  I'm terrified and it's on TV.  I hated Tower of fucking think I want to see this!?  NO!  Maybe I'll fast-forward.
Seriously?  Another commercial and no reasons #1 or #2 to drink?  This sucks.
OMG, please please please tell me they bang it out tonight.  When do these slut-buckets start riding the bologna pony???  Week 3?  Wouldn't that be the elusive 3rd date in the "3rd date rule?"  Anyway...
Ok, but for real, her story about zip-lining...sounds real and legit.  However, putting it on Ginger that he was the strong man her dad was referring to...meh.  I like her shoes.  A lot.

Ooo a date card again?  A group date?  Boring... Did everyone get chosen except for Leslie H??  Poor girl.

I really like how Ginger is totally spitting in the face of this franchise (YES!!!  DRINKING!! *He just said he has a connection with 1AS*) and giving the roses as he feels like it.  Wait, is that a slap in the face or is that normal?  I really wouldn't know.  This is my second full episode of this ghastly waste of time.  Let's talk first kisses.  I love first kisses.  Man, they can go so badly though, right?  Some first kisses are sweet and wonderful.  Some are horrific.  Let's reminisce....done?  Good.  Me too.

Hold the phone - there's a TV show called RedRum?  I am in LOVE.  It's the Shining meets that show where women murder their husbands.  I don't have enough DVR room, but I may make an exception.

Thoughts of group date: Tierra just did the three-snaps.  I now want to cut off her hand.  I should definitely be in charge of some government group that assigns punishments that I imagine fit crimes.  Katie's hair is VILE.  Kacie twists her hair like I do.  That ugly model chick from Michigan cares more about getting a deal being on a book cover than being with Ginger.  Her name is Kristy.  Thanks to Katie for letting me know... Oh yay...Tierra drama with Robyn?  Robyn was the smart one that I wasn't sure why she was it.  I feel a "not here for the right reasons" comin' on!  Lesley M. is good at this whole looking innocent thing.  I love when one person kisses Ginger...everyone else tries to kiss him from there on out... it's 100% catty and for lack of a better term, they're kissing him for the wrong reasons.  I just drank for saying it myself... or typing it... whatever.

Glass #2 - bring it on, horrible TV bitches.  "Connection" DRINKING TIME!  Thanks Ginger.  YES!  That's a row.  Man, Lesley M. is so awkward.  I want to like Kacie a lot.  I like that she took a chance at looking like a reality show junkie for love.  OR she's a reality show whore and she has at least one person fooled.  By the way, I love that her hair doesn't look perfect in her cut-a-ways... thanks ABC for not making me feel so "average white female" while watching your show that represents everything bad about American entertainment.

Ginger is dropping "connection" like it's hot...and I'm so into it... because I love drinking.  I especially love drinking when girls are catty.  If you regularly read this self-absorbed writing I do here, you know I represent myself horribly in text.  Today I just added "misogynist" to my list of qualities.  So now I am a drug addicted, alcoholic, pugilistic, misogynist with the moral compass of a magnet.  High five.  By the way, Daniella reminds me a LOT of a girl I'm friends with - Heather.  I hope she finds that flattering.  Daniella seems to call it like it is.  She's honest and real.  Even to the girls faces...without being mean, so far...  She also kind of looks like Heather...a little bit.
Tierra drops another cBomb (my new name for when someone says they have a connection.)

NO WAY.  It just occurred to me.  Desiree looks a little like Tabby.  Someone remind me to tell her this.

Can we take a minute to mention this for the second time tonight: Katie has the worst hair on earth.  EARTH. Good thing she is going to leave on her own accord.  He does NOT seem upset about this whatever.  I feel like she just wasted my DVR time.  Oooo who is this rose going to?  My guess is Kacie.  HELL YES.  I am good at calling this shit.  I'm going to drink for being right.  I also really like that she's the one person drinking beer.  doubleRBomb (Right Reason bomb) from Tierra...who, btdubs, is a fucking liar.

The Bachelor is doing an episode of Punk'd!  Prelim. thoughts: Ginger is more fun than Ashton; Chris Harrison is a dick and I love it; that Sven dude looks like a mix of Chad Kroger and Kid Rock.  Let's do this... Ha...the "oooh... Interesting" is the most fake sounding thing ever.  Poor little innocent girl feigning excitement over an ugly fake art piece. do I still have 40 minutes of this shit.

Awww, Desiree asks him questions about him.  No one ever does that.  People love to talk about themselves... she isn't doing that.  That's refreshing.  Hey, audio guys...I don't really think I need to hear the water filters while the two of them are talking about love and marriage.  Last week it was the production guy dropping off a rose, this week it's the audio... it's NOT a live show... these are things that you can fix.  It's also definitely not a low budget show either...come ON! cBomb!

I just realized that I don't remember a lot of these chick's names... they're probably not important.  Go home.  Lindsey talks over him still.  I wrote about this in last weeks blog...bitch better read this before she gets sent home.  Remember when I said that Robyn is too smart for this show?  She just dropped the race card.  Woah, Ginger just called himself blonde haired with blue eyes.  He's delusional.

doubleRBomb about why Amanda is here.  I can't wait to hear her one-on-one with Ginger.  She's been mean-muggin' allllllll night...but fuck if she isn't a shining star in front of him.  Even if she's there for the right or wrong reasons, you can't be a mean girl.  True colors or not, you can't be mean to people just because you don't feel like interacting.  doubleRBomb again from Desiree about Amanda.  Prelim rose thoughts: Diana and Brooke are going home.  Let's see how good I do.  Oh wait, there's a bleach blonde who I don't recall.  Oh!  And Leslie H..  Ok, it's gonna be two of these four... Diana, Brooke, Leslie H. and Bleach Blonde I Don't Recall.  My gut is the first two though...

Roses this week go to: Sarah, Kacie, Desiree, AshLee (I still hate the way this is spelled), Lindsey, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M, Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie H. (there goes 1 of 4...), Tierra, Taryn (she was the Bleach Blonde I didn't theres 2 of 4), Daniella, Amanda.

Left out and headed home: Diana and Brooke - SERIOUSLY... HOW AMAZING AM I AT THIS SHIT. I'm drinking 26 quick sips for being right about EVERYONE.

Brooke probably got let go because she was wearing that ugly ass pink dress with the wings on her hips.  No need to accentuate your birthing hips, darlin'.  At least she didn't cry.
Diana LOOKS 31.  Wow.  Well I think he did a good thing cutting her because he didn't feel it... but gross, she just said "I wasn't enough for him."  That right there is why he didn't feel a connection.  cBomb, by the way.

By the way, I don't care at all if the girls pushed Tierra down the stairs or if she jumped.  It's all good by me. I'm a bitch and I know it.  Finishing glass #3 now.  Until next week, you evil sluts... (and by that I mean the girls on The Bachelor...not my one female follower.)


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