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Monday, January 7, 2013

Top Ten Bachelor Fail: A Live Blog of My First Bachelor Episode EVER

First, a forward.  Mind you, I'm writing it afterward - and I'm tipsy - but you get the idea.  Tonight marks the very first time I chose to watch an entire episode of The Bachelor (or Bachelorette...or anything that is encompassed by the ABC show series.)  I admit it, I hate the idea behind the show...and I've never been interested in trashy TV or reality TV, so I'm not sure what I was thinking, but I did it.  Actually, I know what I was thinking.  I was thinking that Erin let me know that there's a Bachelor drinking game and I'm a borderline alcoholic.  So I set my DVR and at about 8:40, I took melatonin (or whatever the pill for sleeping purposes is called) and three ibuprofen (for pain purposes), poured myself a glass of Chardonnay and began.  For those playing at home, you are to drink anytime someone refers to themselves or someone else as being there for the right or wrong reasons AS WELL AS anytime anyone mentions whether or not they have a connection.  I didn't get wine-drunk because no one feels connections yet and we don't know enough about the girls to establish the reasons for their participation on the show...but I can see where this could get a little out of hand.  So I live-blogged it.  I went back for editing purposes (deleted anything that was dumb, but not dumb enough the warrant being funny to leave in and included more descriptions where I only had written notes....sometimes.)  I also put anything that was written in as a secondary thought (as the episode progressed) in green; third in orange.


Okay.  Let's do this.

First thought: Sean is not "the hottest guy in the world" as some girl just said.

I am so excited to see how drunk I get.  Also, is there a fun-sized girl?  It totally looked like it from the kitchen shot.  I super hope so.  I also hope he keeps her long enough for us to fall in love with her and then hate him for breaking her fun-sized heart. (There's not.  The shot is of Tierra coming into the kitchen which looks like it's elevated.)  By the way, sluts, no dude is worth going to the hospital over.  Though, he does have a sweet-ass body and he apparently works for it, which I can appreciate - no one should have a nice body by accident.  Erin warned me, this dude is slightly ginger.  I almost can't believe him or take him seriously.  He has no soul!  How can he love?  How long is this show?  OH MY GOSH it's 2 hours?!  Stop talking about Sean...get to the crazy bitches.  I need to DRINK.

Ok, I want to admit something right now... I do find him borderline attractive.  However, the way his arms are shaped, in a V-neck t-shirt, his head looks way too small for his body.  Maybe V-neck's are not the right choice for him.  What is with all the shots of him working out, cutting fruit and walking around looking away from the camera?  Is ABC trying to prove that he's a real person?  Might I suggest next time, cutting the crap, making it a one hour show and putting a clarifying statement "Sean is a real boy.  He works out, eats food, runs errands, does not tell lies and is not a paid actor or Pinocchio."

Haha, Arie just said "...when these girls catch feelings."  This man MAY be my perfect match.  Arie...not Sean.  Also, I had to google his name to figure it out.  I originally thought it was "Airy" as in an area with an abundance of air.  Arie is not any less stupid.  Did Sean just say that in the past he's just stopped texting girls in order to break up with them?  He's perfect...

Girl with a tie?  Slore.  I want to hit her.  Actually, I do not.  I want to tie her to a fire hydrant and beat her with her tie...very strongly starched.  I'm going to judge every one of these bitches.  Enjoy.

1. Desiree* - She spends her whole day seeing other people's joy?  Not good.
2. Tierra* - BAGGAGE.  She has stripper hoops.  She LOVES Sean...that's adorable.  She does seem pretty psyched about him.  That's good. Update from the meetings: I LOVE HER
3. Robyn* - She has a Y in her name where there's supposed to be a Y.  Slut.  She's also way way way too organized and type A for this.
4. Diana* - I don't want to be mean about her single parent status, but she says they broke up because she didn't feel passionate love...I don't know how I feel about that...she doesn't have enough time on the show to necessarily feel it, does she?  Update.  Horrible Dress.  Already asked him to leave with her.
5. Sarah* - CUTE girl...O OH OH she has 1 arm.  I love her even more.  I don't like blondes, but I kind of like her...let's dye her hair?
6. Ashley - Already hate her.  She sounds like she doesn't look inside herself to find what she is looking for.  Also, STOP liking Fifty Shades of Grey.  You're gross. Update: CALLED IT.
7. Lesley* - She looks like she's got one hell of a brain, but she looks street-dumb.  Oh, she's from Arkansas... Um...checked out his butt?? Update:  Sometimes she looks manly.  Sometimes she looks cute.  I can't tell about her, yet.
8. Kristy* - She has horrible hair.  She does have a very striking look.
9. AshLee* - Professional Organizer?!  THAT'S NOT A JOB!!!!!  Plus, who the fuck spells their name like that?!  OMG, I'll bet she went to college and went buck-wild.  Her eyes are entirely too far apart.  No one runs in that much make-up.

(Commercial break: I'm about 1/2 way through my first glass of wine...thanks to some "we could have a great connection"s from the first 9 ladies...  Also, live update on the National Championship game: going well... Tide: 21, Notre Lame: 0)  Now it's 35-7  This makes me smile.

That is a pretty dress Ashley's got.
10. Jackie* - From Boynton Beach...Can put lipstick on without a mirror.  She's GORGEOUS.  Pick her.
11. Selma* - She looks like Jamie Lynn Seigler...from the side.
12. Leslie* - Poker Dealer.  Awesome.  She just said "Holy Toledo," she's normal sized and adorable.
13. Daniella* - Fake Fake FAKE FAKE FAKE bitch.  I'm calling it right now.  Smile and look happier.  Don't do that hand-shake.  Ever.  It's too long.  Worst ever.
14. Kelly - Well she looks pretty, but fake.  But she sings.  Her song was actually kind of adorable.  She also seems confident.
15. Katie* - Gross.  She looks like a tree-hugger being forced into this.  Does not like.

Holy Balls....It's Ashley who's the tie Slore.  Good...she'll be gone by episode 4 if not sooner.  Crazy eye bitch.

16. Taryn* - That dress couldn't be any shorter. Update: she won't fight over a guy?  She WILL NOT be winning.  He may keep her around anyway though for being a nice girl. Update: CALLED IT.
17. Catherine* - She doesn't move her mouth very much when she talks.  I shall call her Cathy V.  The V is for ventriloquist.  I'm calling her Cathy because she probably HATES that.

OMG Evening gown gymnastics.  At least she made a joke about it?

18. Lacey - She reminds me of that chick from the Real Housewives with all the wigs...
19. Paige - Bachelor Pad 3?  I didn't know there was a Bachelor Pad 1!?  Plus, she's obvs in it for the fame.  Someone, somewhere, tell me what the Bachelor Pad is and why someone would be "on" it.  And for any SATC people out there: Can I enjoy Jocks 'n Cocks 4 if I've never seen Jocks 'n Cocks 1, 2 or 3?

HELL YES!  He is going to give her a rose already?!  This is amazing.  I am great at picking favorites.  I JUST went back and wrote that I love her.  Although he didn't really want to hug her as long as she wanted to hug him.  But yes, it's going to create tension... SO much tension.  They're all going to hate her.  Probably even more than they're gonna hate the surprise 26th person.  That commercial hook was so good I ALMOST give a shit about who it is...

20. Amanda* - She's not pretty.  Sorry.  I'm mean, but I'm not wrong. Update: It was funny to get the awkward out of the way first.  Still awkward, but as has been discussed with a certain soul mate, awkward is funny when you address it.  Guess it gets a rose.
21. Kerriann - I hate the mullet dress.  She stole my line How are you?  "Better now!"

Did anyone go back and count how many of the 25 have side braids?  I'm going to go back and count... pause.  It's only 2 up til now...I clearly misjudged that. (Now: 3)  Maybe tomorrow I'll do my hair in one of those cool braid ideas I read in Cosmo... don't worry, I will find an article to satirize from this month's magazine soon enough...bear with me.

22. Brooke* - She seems way way way took career driven for him.  I hate that he purred at him.  Gross.
23. Ashley H. The model? - She just says the same phrase over and over...I don't know anything about her except that she looks like Nicole Sherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls.
24. Lauren - She looks like someone.  Her dad is going to break his legs...he should get her out of there before she falls in love.
25. THIS GIRL IS BAT SHIT CRAZY.  Lindsey* - Before I even read her name....and she made him kiss her.  Fine, she's a prankster...she's also BAT SHIT CRAZY.  That shit isn't funny. Update: She's HORRIBLE.  GET RID OF HER! Update: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  I guess it has to be good TV or something...  I can guarantee this though, she has NO idea she's being kept on for TV ratings purposes.  I tried to do that when Natalie and I tried out for American Idol.  It kind of worked because they filmed us practicing in the voms, but it never made it to TV... bummer.

Who the hell is Kacie B*?  And what is "Ben's Season"??  Her boobs don't look good in that dress, but here legs look amazing.  I take that back, she doesn't have boobs... Fame whore?  Yessir.  Genuinely interested in Sean?  Maybe...

Love the group scream.  Hate the girls who didn't do it.  Hey, someone just walked through the background.  Come on, production crew.  Des gets the second rose.  Atta girl.  Stop talking over him though, seriously.  That's just rude.  Now I am going to put an asterisk by the girls names who get roses.

Ashley "drunk-ass-fifty-shades" is hammered...and dancing...and is very inappropriate.  Trying to steal spotlight from Paige...Ashley is GONE.  I may have called it earlier.... HAHA.  I brought a rape-whistle?!  He's done with you.  Plus she just shushed him.  I love his "we may need to get to know each other better before we get married."  Did anyone hear the "or I don't actually want to get to know you anymore at all" that he said right after that?  No?  Well his eyes said it LOUD AND CLEAR.

OH.... I'm pausing just so I can type this before watching it: I hope the losers who say good bye say something bitchy in the car.  A girl can hope, right?

Hey Paige: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.  The END.  Not the end: she cried!  HILARIOUS.

Holy crap, they're ALL crying?!  Losers.  No one said anything bitchy though.

I don't know if I can sit through this shit again next week...booze or no booze, I like my guilty pleasures to be 30 minutes, include Jerry Springer and luggage.

END.



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