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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Top Ten Ways to Refer to Menstruating that Should Make You Laugh

So I have some epic news for you men who [surprisingly] still read this thing.  Once a month - usually about every 28 days or so - us double Xs menstruate.  It ain't pretty, but it's real.  There are tell-tale signs this is happening to your lady-friend.  Is she tired, lazy, emotional, or mean?  Are there lady health care products in your bathroom?  Are you suddenly getting fellated all week when she doesn't normally like to give blowies?  All signs point to yes, sir.  However, it is this girls opinion that the term "period" is an awkward way to refer to this cycle stage, and I feel there are much more fun ways to effectively describe this time without having to whisper.  However, you should know that most of these are highly inappropriate in most social settings.  Please use your best judgement.
10. Something related to Aunt Flo[w].  This one isn't new, and it isn't coy either.  No one has an aunt Flo...well, my dads cousin's did... and any nieces or nephews that Progressive chick has...  Either way, it's witty because Flo and Flow are homynyms (the use of the word witty in this sentence was sarcasm).  It's also old and not funny.  It's also the reminder my phones "Pink Pad" app sends me.  Yes, I use an iPhone app to track my cycles.  Because the BCPill doesn't do that for me...oh wait, yes it does...
9. Raggin'.  I HATE this one.  It just sounds gross.  No piece of cloth has ever been referred to as a rag in a positive sense.  "Oh Vivian! Those clothes look just like rags!  How gorgeous!"  Nope.  Doesn't happen.  Besides, what about having your period insinuates a rag?
8. Guess who's not pregnant!  I've said this one before.  To boyfriends and close friends.  If someone asks me to go do something and I'm feeling particularly icky, I'll say something like "No.  I don't feel good...but hey, at least I'm not pregnant!"  I think this is because I have such a positive outlook on life, I tend to always want to see the silver lining.  I suppose this would not be silver lining if you were trying to get pregnant.  Don't say this as reassurance to a friend undergoing fertility treatment.  This will take you from being positive and optimistic to being a raging bitch...although because of all the hormones, you may just get away with it.  Let me know how it goes...
7. Reading Little Red Riding Hood.  Hee Hee.  Now we get into some of the ones I made up that make me laugh.  That is the purpose of this blog after all.  You'd think it'd be to share my thoughts with all 3 of you, but it's to notate the things that make me giggle.  I'm a selfish C-word...get over it.  ANYWAY, in this scenario, I imagine my bajingo as a little lady...and for 3 days-ish, she is wearing a red cloak.  Obviously she is all business and no play - as is little red in her attempt to visit her grandmother.  The "reading" part was just to make it sounds cute rather than saying my bajingo is red coating.
6. Having a temporarily broken baby box.  I love this because of the alliterative "B."  I also think it, at first glance - or as it first hits your ear - reads as though you have an item that is broken and needs to be serviced at the store.  Almost as though your computer broke and you need to bring it to the Geek Squad at Best Buy.  Sidebar, don't use Geek Squad.  They charge you for LOOKING at your computer.  That's not speculation.  It's fact.  So example of this phrase in action:  Man - Hey baby, wanna make the sex tonight?  Woman - I'm sorry, my baby box is broken; Should be fixed by next week.  Thanks for the offer though. Quite the realistic interaction, don't you think?  You can totally see how I'm so good with the fellas...
5. Exhibit or Ride is 101.  This one is for Erin, or anyone else who understood this reference immediately.  Once at Disney World, Erin told me to ask a cast member if a ride was 101.  It was.  A "101" at Disney more or less means "go away....we're not ready for people on this ride just yet," which is the exact sentiment I feel when I tell you that I am 101.  I'm not ready for action, or to do what it is I am normally doing at that point in time.  My exhibit (X gon' give it to ya...) is 101.
4. Getting a lady oil change.  Once every 3 months or every 3,000 miles, a car (which is female...all cars are female.  This is a universal truth) gets her mensies.  It lasts about 30 minutes while they clean out and replace the oil in her.  This is a lot like what happens to women.  Only it's every 28 days or 3 weeks of pills and it lasts about 3-5 days.  We also don't drain and replace, but our body does kind of do that for us...hence the cycle.  Oh, gross.  I just totally grossed myself out.  Sorry reader!
3. Taking a ride on the Alabama Elephant.  Did you understand my reference?  OhMhyGosh you did?  YAY!  That means your brain is hardwired to think like me (college team, clueless reference) which is scary and you should be tested for being certifiably insane, or my soulmate.  If you didn't understand my reference, please google "Alabama Elephant" and then go here for a quote Cher uses to change her debate grade.  If you still have questions, feel free to ask.
2. Ride Close for Monthly Maintenance.  I don't know what I could possibly need to explain about this one. I (or more specifically, my lady parts) are the ride...and they're out of commission...thereby requiring maintenance...and it occurs monthly.  You guy[s] are not this stupid.  I don't need to be explaining this...
1. Stage 4: ____ Mode.  You may have noticed that I am talking about the menstrual cycle in this post.  The cycle has 4 stages.  Or, if you want to think of it the way I do, your pill pack has 4 lines/colors/phases.  The fourth is the placebo pill...and also period week.  So it's fun (and my personal favorite) to reference this week by calling it "Stage 4" and then qualifying your feelings with "_____ Mode."  Example: if I am feeling overwhelmed and freaking out...I'll say "Stage 4: Stress Mode!"  It's informational and effective.

Ok, too much bajingo talk for this girl.

Oh, one last movie quote:  Say it with me.  Penis Penis Penis, Vagina Vagina Vagina!

By the way, I changed the reminder in my iPhone app to say "Bitch, you about to bleed, yo!" because I'm classy like that...and BRIGHT WHITE and not at all urban.  So it's obviously perfect.  I'm waiting for the day when I'm just starting to date a guy and he is for some reason on my phone when that alert pops up.  He's gonna FLIP OUT!!!  HA.

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