I'd like for you to take all of my candy and replace it with money.
In case you're like me and didn't know anything about this, apparently there is a thing called the "Switch Witch." After kids go trick-or-treating, they go through all their candy, pick out their favorites and then put the rest on the front porch for the Switch Witch to come and take away. In it's place, the Switch Witch brings the kid a present. It's like a combination of the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus but for Halloween. There are significant benefits to this practice: kids learn that the quantity of something is not necessarily better than the quality; parents get the pleasure of knowing their kid is not overloading on sugar AND they also won't be tempted to eat all the candy in the house; less bugs, I assume; retailers win AGAIN the Halloween by convincing parents to buy toys and gifts in addition to the candy they are forced to throw into buckets of trick-or-treaters.
As an aside, I spent Halloween at my friends house with a couple of girls having a few glasses of wine. This was my first year handing out candy (watching the homeowner hand out candy.) A few things I think are worth mentioning: (1) un-dressed up teens with a plastic target bag... what the fuck is that about? In the future I'm going to have a bowl of crappy candy for those kids. No costumes = shitty candy. That said, one of the un-dressed-up teens took the last of our candy which prompted me to say "I'm all out now! Sorry!" and another un-dressed-up teen reached in his bag and handed me a handful of candy for future trick-or-treaters. That teen is a wonderful human being. I told him as much. (2) How late is too late to be trick-or-treating? The last person to knock on my friends door came at 10:45pm. I think that's entirely too late. Especially on a school night/week night. I digress...
Last week my nephew put all his candy and a note out for the Switch Witch and got Legos. The sweet kid then asked his mom to text the Switch Witch (yes, text. This is the technological generation we live in now where 4 year olds ask their mothers to text the Switch Witch) and see if she'd come back and switch his Legos with Play Doh since he really wanted Play Doh.
So I'm going to try this out this year. I'm going to put all my candy outside my door tonight with a note:
Dear Switch Witch,
Please enjoy all of this candy and whatever else I've chosen to give to you that I do not need or want. In it's place I'd like cash, gift cards or a check made out to me. Whatever amount you think is appropriate considering the contents of my candy bucket will be sufficient. Thank you in advance.