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Thursday, September 12, 2013

...On Why I Do Not Own a Toaster and Foods I Hope Meet Me in Heaven

Random fact about me that you probably did not know:  I don't like things toasted, usually.  I prefer items to only be crunch if they would fall short as their soft version.  The only examples I can think of for that are chips and crackers.  Bread and tortillas, however, I prefer to be soft and smushy.  Let us examine why this might be.

Oh, right.  Because toasted things stab me in the mouth and lessen the enjoyment of the food I am trying to put into my body.  As it is, bread and tortillas are essentially just a vehicle for getting the important yummy yummy yummy into my tummy.  They are little hand-held station wagons and the insides are the hokey-pokey of it all.  How's that for non-cliche descriptive sentences, senior-year-creative-writing-class-teacher??  How can I possibly enjoy my Baja Fish Taco if I am being jabbed in the soft pallet by an angry piece of corn in a last ditch effort to prove his dissatisfaction over being removed from his home (the ear he grew on) to become a U-shaped, Mexican themed cracker?

Sure, I've had a few toasted Pop Tarts in my lifetime and a couple diagonally sliced piece of toast with breakfast, but the sole outlying exception to my non-toasted rule is the blueberry bagel.  That shit is heaven.  It's even more heaven when it is toasted and heavily covered in strawberry cream cheese.  If, when I die, I am fortunate enough to go to heaven, I sincerely hope there is an after-lifetime supply of that exact combination.  And Pizza Rolls.  And Mini Bagel Dogs.

Great, now I'm frothing at the mouth like a rabid animal...


1 comment:

  1. Hard tacos are ridiculously inferior to their soft counterparts.


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