Un-Read Book Review Series: 50 Shades of Grey

Let's start with some clarification:  I have not read 50 Shades of Grey.  I do not intend to, either.  I do, however, intend to give you a book review of it from the things I've heard through the grapevine and from reading the description of the book on amazon.com.

First, I must express my extreme disappointment that this book is not about the 50 sexiest grey-haired celebrities that I'd like to engage in coitus with...  (You guys already know about my thing for older guys.  This is not news.)

ANYWAY...
Naturally, I chose this book because of the widespread appreciation of it by females across the nation.  I'll admit, I tried to read it.  I got 15 pages in and quit.  From what I've been told, this book is soft-core porn through and through.  Who doesn't love some porn every once in a while?  The main protagonist is a previously sheltered college student who falls in lust with some uber-male who is young, hot, rich and dominating in everything he does.  So basically, it's the American female's dream...except he's abusive.  Both mentally and physically.  I'm not talking about spanking and handcuffs, because unless the girl isn't willing, that isn't abusive.  He gets in her head and makes her feel helpless and like she needs him to define who she is.  As if that weren't abusive enough, I hear there's a scene (is it a scene when it's in a book?) where the chick is basically raped by the dude.  For those of you playing along at home, your significant other CAN rape you just by not listening when you say "no."  Also, as a Public Service Announcement and to make the lives of my male friends a bit easier, I'd like to suggest that females don't play hard to get by saying "no."  Rather, girls should choose another word or phrase to use because it can confuse a man when you actually mean "no."  They teach you this same concept with dogs, and I think we can all agree that training people (read: men and children) is similar to training dogs.  When you train a dog you're not supposed to tell it "no" because it's a commonly used word and the dog can't tell the difference between your response to a friends question or when they are not supposed to be doing something.  The word loses its significance in the over-usage.  This is why Gizmo gets told "nuh uh" or "ahh ahh ahh" when he should stop whatever he is doing...

Obviously I just took a hard left on "Lose your reader's interest" lane.  I apologize.

So there's a rape "scene," a pathetic girl with no backbone, a dude who takes advantage of it, a lot of raunchy sex and - the real reason I stopped after 15 pages, because you guys KNOW I love the rest of that shit - horribly written text.  Seriously...the dialogue is awful.  It's written like a high school junior got horny and bored.  It's a good thing the book(s) have all that sex and abuse, because without it it'd fall apart.

Go pick it up today!  Don't forget to also grab a bottle of Pinot Grigio, some scented candles and The Rabbit.  You'll need it.


End.