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Monday, April 8, 2013

Answering Cosmo's 9 Questions for a Guy Guru - Girls Answer Better

So I just spent the better part of an hour sifting through blog ideas.  I realize it's been quite some time since I blogged and even longer since my blogging wasn't related to The Bachelor.
  Problem was that between the stomach bug, and the fact that I cannot currently drink wine because of it, my thoughts are far less funny... bordering on depressing and that is NO good for this blog.  I pride myself on my incorrigible optimism and peppiness and I will not let my current lot in life affect that.  So what does this girl do when she can't think of anything fun to blog about?  She pulls out a Cosmopolitan magazine and re-answers the 9 questions asked to the "guy guru" Ky Henderson from March's issue (page 177.)  Can I first question what the hell kind of name "Ky" is?  Just be Kyle.  Seriously.
Be warned, the lack of wine may equal lack of fun...  So here goes... a girls opinion on questions asked by girls to be answered by a boy in a girls magazine:

1. My boyfriend finishes first in bed and acts like both of us are done.  How can I show him (without killing his mood) that after he climaxes, I'm still not finished?  Break up.  Just break up.  No decent guy will even contemplate letting himself finish first on a regular basis.  If you're going to keep dating this mutant human, I have some suggestions.  First, I suggest not allowing this to happen.  Maybe get on top, or change positions to one that works better for you.  If that doesn't work, I suggest saying something like "yeah...if you're done, would you mind grabbing me my vibrator?"  That'll get the point across.  Or just punch him in the face.
2. The last few guys I've dated have been stage-5 clingers.  Is there something about me that attracts them, or are clingy guys just getting more common?  You're probably awesome and guys are afraid of losing you.  Guys tend to grasp onto things they're afraid they could lose: their hair, their jobs, their junk and apparently you.  Also, stop being such a complainer.  Moron.
3. He says he wants a break but swears he hasn't met someone new.  What's going on?  What's going on is that he's met someone new.  Either that or he wants to.  He's over you.  Plain and simple.  In the words of the girly television series "Sex and the City," a break is a hop skip and a jump away from a break up.  For the record, the same could be said about the phrase "I need to take a step back" "this is all going so fast" and "I'm feeling a lot of emotions that I'm not ready for."  Dear boys: come up with better excuses or just tell us the gddamned truth: "I'm over it.  Thanks but no thanks."

4. Let's just say my boyfriend isn't as motivated when it comes to his career as he is in his video games.  How do I inspire him to reach higher without crushing his ego?  That's easy.  You don't.  The only person who can motivate him to want more is himself.  If you push at ALL he is going to notice and resent you, even if it is the right thing to do.  This applies to when dudes push their girlfriends to try a threesome...or maybe that's just me... or not...wait...what was the question?  Oh, right...motivating the boy toy.  Look, he's not ready to be a big boy.  If you don't want to wait for him to grow up on his own schedule, stop wasting your time and his in this adult relationship.  Or hell, if you can't beam em, join em.  Try playing some World of Warcraft.  You may be way better than him...that'll motivate him to do something else with his pathetic virtual life.  How do you think I found out I am so bad at Halo that I actually scored negative kills???
5. I'm dating a guy who says he could never marry me because of his religion.  I know he loves me.  Should I try to reason with him?  OH MY LORD (pun...lol) what is with these girls asking these questions.  This dude is telling you literally word for word that it isn't going to work out in the end.  Call it quits and move on.  This has nothing to do with you, this is a bigger situation.  Do not "reason" with him.  No one reasoned with you when you just HAD to have 3 pairs of skinny jeans or when you HAD to do that juice cleanse that made you a raging bitchfaced whore...and those things are a grain of salt compared to his concerns, which are valid and real.  You can't reason away a belief system you xenophobic, self-centered slut-rag.  Freakin' broads!
6. The guy I've been dating is great, but his apartment is a dirty mess.  I never want to stay the night, and I'm starting to think he doesn't care about impressing me.  How do I bring it up without sounding controlling?  First, he doesn't give a shit about impressing you.  You're already dating him and already banging him....so stop worrying about that.  That ship has long sailed, my friend.  Second, as a woman, if your place isn't in the kitchen, it's cleaning up after you man.  This is your job and it is one you should take on with pride and joy.  You've found yourself a hobby and a man!  Rejoice!
7. My boyfriend says he's not ready to think about marriage.  Is it me, and should I move on?  It might and might not have anything to do with you.  I've designed a test for this specific situation: Look in the mirror.  What do you see?  Are you an aging bag lady whose final hopes of love and happiness are hanging by a thread that is about to be cut?  Then yeah, it's you.  All that means is that you need to find someone equally as pathetic and willing to settle as you are.  Allow me to assist you with a list of places you could find a potential mate: eharmony.com, a bowling league, DnD game meet ups or your local 4H club.  You're welcome.
8. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend's roommate is into me.  I've caught him checking me out, and he always goes out of his way to accommodate me -- making sure I'm not thirsty, asking me if I'm okay with what's on TV...sometimes more than my boyfriend does!  Should I bring it up?  Yes, but not to your boyfriend.  That will only make him nervous, judgmental and accusatory.  Bring it up to the roommate.  Do you have any idea how much fun it is to bang it out with people who live together?!  This scenario is significantly more fun when neither of the roommates know your situation with the other, but if you're going to cheat, may as well make it easy on yourself.  After all, the excuse "I was just waiting for you to get home and [insert roommates name here] was showing me this youtube video" won't work if you get caught in a boys room somewhere across town.
9. My boyfriend's mom is great - she accepted me immediately - but now I think she's getting too close.  She calls me, posts on my facebook page, and e-mails on the regular, and I'm getting to the point where I need to set some boundaries.  How do I do that without offending my boyfriend or his mom?  Holy crap this is so easy and SO SO SO fun!  Let's start simple: "butt dial" her while you're blowing her son.  No mom wants to hear her son blow a load while she has to hear you making noises...  Or go a step further and have sex right before you know she's coming over....and don't get out of bed until she walks in.  OR email or text her something naughty that you "meant" to send to her son.  She'll figure it out.  Or exile you from her family...either way, you're free!

End.

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