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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Top Ten Responses To Cosmo's 101 Things About Guys

Como Estas, bitches!?

It's been a few months of me avoiding blogging.  Why?  Simple.  I have nothing to blog about.  Ok, that's bullshit...but I haven't had anything worth Top 10 Blogging about.  Technically, I don't today either, but I am going to make do because (1) kickball was cancelled, (2) I'm about to finish a bottle of pinot by myself and (3) I finally read this month's cosmo magazine.  There's an article in this one called 101 Things About Men.  Now I'm no expert on the topic - being that I have a vagina and whatnot - but I think I have enough life experience to comment on at least 10 things in this article.  So, without further ado... Top 10 Responses to 101 Things About Men.  And.....GO!

10. Being Called Creepy is Mean.  According to this article, calling a dude creepy is just as bad as being called a C U Next Tuesday.  I think we can all agree that the two are most definitely NOT comparable.  A better comparison might be calling a guy a fuckface or an assweasel (I made that last one up just now... I think.)  Look, some guys are just creepy.  There's a guy in my neighborhood (vague on purpose, I don't know who reads this shit) who is creepy.  To a 't.'  He stares.  Like he wants you to invite him over, or into a conversation, or anything...but he just stares.  Being shy is one thing... making me feel like you want to make accessories out of my luminous skin is an entirely different story.
9. Fighting Escalates Because You're Focused on Anger Rather Than Sadness.  Cosmo claims that when you're fighting with your boyfriend about missing his work event he's actually upset that you didn't make him a priority.  Well guess what?  I'm not a fucking mind-reader.  And you may not actually be a priority.  Sometimes I need to go visit a friend in the hospital instead.  Sometimes I have a doctors appointment that took forever to schedule and I don't want to reschedule.  Sometimes that chocolate isn't just going to eat itself.  I'm female.  That means I'm bat-shit crazy and I do what I want without regard.  If your feelings are hurt try this: TELL ME THAT so I know what a little bitch you are and I can find a better lie next time I'd rather watch Grey's Anatomy than chit chat with your work buddies about your fantasy football win this week.
8. Girls Love the "Beta-Male."  First of all.  The Beta-Male is a thing?  Don't we just call it the loveable, awkwardly cute friend?  Isn't that everyone who isn't an Alpha Male or a nerd in every TV show or movie?  Isn't this also an extremely negative label for a dude?  "Oh no... I'm second fiddle.  Ladies love me."  I feel like this is just saying that girls are settling for the funny sidekick.  Don't get me wrong... I am a complete sucker for a funny sidekick, but I usually don't fall for them until I've exhausted the alpha males around them or become friends with them almost to the point of the friend-zone (or until I am fully in it and now I'm screwed because now I'm one of the guys.)  The mag cites Seth Rogen in Knocked Up, Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Paul Rudd in I Love You Man and Jake Johnson on New Girl.  Call me old fashioned, but I'll take Paul Rudd in Knocked Up, Paul Rudd in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Paul Rudd in I Love You Man and the 2-3 episode Dermott Mulroney on New Girl.  Hands down.
7. Three Times He Really Needs You.  Cosmo calls on these three instances: (1) He's stressed about work, (2) Your BFF was bitchy to him and (3) He had a very public fail.  I challenge all three of these situations.  Instead, maybe in all three you offer some sort of moral support and understanding - a "dude, that sucks.  Sorry babe.  Let me know if there's anything I can do" works - and then leave him the fuck alone.  It is my experience that guys do NOT want you to fix things for them and talking about their feelings or gabbing on and reliving what happened is not at the top of their "fun things to do" list.  Here's my list of the top three instances where a guy needs you most: (1) When he has collapsed and needs CPR, (2) when he is rock climbing and needs a spotter and (3) when he needs someone to man up and take the fall for something.  Be there for him during those 3 times and he will never let you go.
6. Giving Him an Ultimatum.  Holy balls am I in love with this one.  Basically the article cites Jessica Biel telling JT that he has to stop talking to Cameron D (and Destiny... Charlie's Angels, come on...) or their engagement is off.  HOLD THE PHONE.... you're banging Jessica Biel and even for ONE SECOND you're possibly going to ruin that for Cameron Diaz?  Don't get me wrong, I love me some Cameron...but have you NO EYES!?!?  Ladies who read this post, do you look exactly like Jessica Biel?  Are you hot as fuck, seemingly wholesome and a decent actress?  No?  Then don't do this.  Here's how ultimatums SHOULD work.  Normal human beings do not expect other normal human beings to be superhuman.  Ergo, the person who is issuing the ultimatum is the person you choose against.  I once had 2 friends who were fighting.  One would talk SO MUCH SHIT to me about the other.  The other just declined group invitations when we all went out, but otherwise our friendship remained untainted by the feud.  Friend one would say things like "why on earth would you be friends with that person?" and I finally decided she was right...but about her.  If you're going to be all ultimatum-y about one thing, what is going to stop you from doing it about everything.  It's just a matter of time.  JT... beware.
5. How To Keep a Relationship With Me.  Cosmo took to twitter - thank the lord - to find out what real human males want a girl to do in a relationship.  Examples of responses were "order your drink first and be assertive," "don't offer unsolicited advice," "don't freak out if you don't hear from me," and "oral. often."  All in all these aren't horrible tips.  I like the idea of giving guys their space and having your own.  I'm also all over the idea of saying thank you and knowing when to be appreciative and when to be critical.  Also, oral often is a good tip as long as it includes reciprocity.  Here are some other tips to keep a relationship going: Read his emails.  Change his facebook status when you're together to "with my baby."  Cut up his ugly flannel shirts. Remove every girls name from his phone and replace it with "whoreface." High five him after good sex.  Pack leftovers for him to take to work.  Ok, those last two are legit...what was I saying again?  G. D. Wine!!!
4. Text Him... Maybe? First, I would like this blog item to serve as an open letter to the public.  STOP USING CARLY RAE WHOREFACE'S SONG IN CONVERSATION.  She's CANADIAN people!!!!! I understand the need to pad the egos of the borderline R-word, but Canadian is not close enough.  Next, this little tidbit of info is apparently the bible on how often and what to text a guy based on how long you've known him.  Only initiate a textversation (patent pending) once a day if you've exchanged #s but haven't hung out.  Really?  If I haven't even committed to hanging out with you yet, this seems like the perfect time to showcase my crazy.  You're about to get 16 rapid fire texts about your favorite color, song, movie, snack food, soda pop, clothing item, baby name, restaurant and sexual position.  If you pass with a B+ or better you can buy me a drink.  If you stick around long enough to pass rounds 2 and 3, you're a keeper.
3. What He's Thinking When He Sees a Sex Scene This Hot.  The picture in question?  Not that hot.  Anyway... 11% say looking at anything other than the TV.  22% are nervously laughing.  30% are making a joke and 37% are staring straight ahead like nothing is happening.  Newsflash.  100% are thinking "HOLY BALLS THAT'S HOT LETS DO IT!"  End of story.  If a hot sex scene doesn't make you want to rip someones clothes off and go animal all over them you're doing it wrong.
2. I'm mailing it in... I'm done for the night.

1. End.

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