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Sunday, August 5, 2012

25 completely random things I learned in 25 years

I just found this blog that I wrote obviously 2 years ago and never's incomplete... I am leaving it this way.  I have, however, allowed myself a little bit of fun and decided to comment on my own thoughts from over 2 years ago in the color blue.  ENJOY

25. When in doubt...go with 'out.'  What in the shit am I talking about here?  Was I being vague on purpose?  Did I erroneously think it'd make me more interesting?  Am I doubting the cleanliness of the P.O.S I decided to bring home with me that night?  In which case, do NOT let him put it in younger me!  Do NOT!

24. Current music is ethereal as a lightning bug. It's fun at the time, but once you try to contain it and see [hear] it all the time, it loses its lustre.  Well in contrast to #25, this isn't completely idiotic, but why did I have to take a simple thought and douche it up with words like "ethereal" and "lustre?"  And not even "luster"... nope... I had to go a step douchier and pretend to be British.  Who do I think I am?!  Madonna?!?!  Anyway...  Take that effing song "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Whoreface.  It's catchy and blah blah blah, but as soon as people began making parodies and playing it every other commercial-free minute, it started to suck.  The song itself isn't as horrific as anything by Justin Beiber, but it's the over playing of it that ruins is for me and the majority of the hearing world.  I bet deaf people hate it, too.  Speaking of, can anyone teach me to sign that song???

23. If you're truly sorry for your action, people can tell and are likely to forgive you. If you are sorry for their knowledge of your action, people can tell and will not forgive you for their feelings. Ok, 25 year old're right on this one.  People usually can tell your level of apathy for a situation.  Unless, of course, you're consistently apathetic.  Example: THIS GIRL.  I blame dear ol' mom for this one.  She always told me how she was sorry I "feel that way."  What the hell, woman.  You can't be sorry for my feelings!  I control my feelings.  So you're sorry for my controlled decisions?  That's worse than being sorry that you broke my toy in the first place.  Bitch.  Anyway... I learned at an early age that saying "I'm sorry you feel ....." is a great way to get out of trouble without admitting to any fault.  Crap...  I've given away my secret.

22. The only time your best isn't good enough is when you set your expectations too high.  Shit.  Am I Confucius now?  Skip.

21. Asparagus makes your pee smell. So does caffeine.  That phenomenon is the only thing those two items have in common.  Caffeine also makes you jittery, stunts your growth, stains your teeth, speeds up your metabolism, affects your ability to focus and affects your ability to sleep.  Asparagus JUST makes your pee smell.  And it's also delicious.

20. Dog whistles also piss off cats.  I don't even know how I would know this.  (1) I do not have a cat.  (2) I do not have a dog whistle.  (3) I've never used someone else's dog whistle whilst near a cat.  It's probably safe to say I was looking for something interesting to write in this blog post and took a swing at this one.  Obviously it was a foul tip that the catcher effortlessly caught sitting me out for the rest of the inning.  My coach was probably pissed, too.

...I just went on a rocking tangent to a softball game from 7th grade.  You're welcome for the most un-follow-able thing ever written.

19. Gall bladders may not be necessary, but I do wish I had a working one!  All I was doing here was pointing out that I had my gall bladder removed and filling space.  I suck.

18. The rule that says that you cannot use a word to define itself is apparently not well a general rule [GENERAL RULE! salute]  Hahaha.  How I Met Your Mother reference that I still do to this day!  This point is dumb, but entirely true.  Nothing bothers me more than when someone defines something with itself.  "What does justifiable mean?  Like when someone says a murder is justifiable?"  "It means they think he was justified."  NO SHIT?!  I know what the suffix -able means.  If I wanted to know that I would have asked "those 4 letters at the end of justify that make a whole different word...what ARE they?" with bewildered wonderment I would then get slapped and cry.  I'd like to slap and make cry anyone who henceforth defines a word with itself or it's root version of itself.  Moving on.

17. Just because something [a book or a movie] isn't good in quality, it may still be good entertainment. It's beneficial to understand the difference. Example 1: Schindler's List is extremely good quality; horrible entertainment.  If you've ever said "I'd like to see Schindler's List just one more was so good."  I think you are crazy.  Example 2: 50 Shades of Grey is a huge best seller; horrific writing.  I tried to read it.  I swear I did, but being the wordsmith I am, I couldn't get past chapter one.  I was so distracted by the terrible writing style I was unable to form a connection to any character, place or situation.  Go ahead, hate me all you want for both examples, but they're my opinions and therefore cannot be "wrong."  Suck it Trebek.  Lawyered.

16. Juicy gossip is like spreads...FAST.  To be fair, I can't really know this for fact.  I've never had herpes. I have, however, started some really juicy gossip.  I've also been the subject of at least one juicy rumor.  In the last year.  People allow their lives to become very monotonous these days.  You grow up, get a job, get married, have kids...and then start living vicariously through others.  What this leads to is being too interested in other people's lives.  It's like a soap opera.  And when you are watching this exciting soap opera you may want to be part of, you tend to talk to others about it.  It's a downhill situation.  Once the ball is rolling it just keeps going and going.  I like to be the boulder stuck in the middle of that hill.  I like to hear the gossip (especially if it has to do with me) and catapult it to an entirely different level.  "Debbie, did you hear that people are saying you made out with Joe Schmo?"  "Oh?  That's all they're saying?  Well I guess that's good!  As long as people don't know that I was carrying his unborn child until he threw me down the stairs two weeks ago, then I guess it's all good.  OH!  Please don't tell anyone..."  Checkmate.  ;)  [side bar, it's usually best to check or at least inform the other people involved in the gossip that you've done this...probably via text message so that if they get arrested you can prove it was a joke...not that I have any experience on this...]

15. Birthday celebrations get less exciting as the years go by...the birthday wishes get better! This one is a lie.  Ignore me.  I think I just had a shitty birthday that year.  Probably because instead of being excited for a clown, a cake and a scavenger hunt, I was worried about if a boy was going to show up... idiot.

14. The reason a body temperature thermometer cannot tell you the air temperature is because it needs a conductor to complete the circuit...the human body is a good conductor.  This is just a fact that I apparently felt the need to share.  Thing is, I actually know why I wrote this.  I constantly come up with child-like questions that I feel the need to ask people.  For example: what happens to whales when they die?  Why don't clouds just fall if they're so heavy with precipitation?  Etc.  Now that I have an answer to my thermometer question, I shared. I'm a loser.

13. Signed memorabilia is cool. Storing it is hard. This might have been true for a 25 year old version of me who moved all her worldly possessions down to Florida in an SUV and tried to fit it all into the room she rented in someone else's apartment.  This is no longer the case for 27 year old me who has her own place and two IKEA bookshelves that are prominently displaying her worldly possessions.  HOLLER atcha girl, Sweden!

12. Getting accepted by a home-owners association is kind of a bitch. Well, now I know when I wrote this.  Sometime between when I turned 25 and when Katy and I moved into The Manor...somewhere in that 2 week span.  This is true.  However, this was probably such a bitch because we only gave ourselves like 1 week to try and find a place to live and get accepted and get all the paperwork completed.  That is NOT enough time.  THAT is something I learned since being 25.  Now you've learned something you probably already knew.  So, there's that.  Have you realized how much of your time I've wasted?  It's a lot.

11. The first step in ending a gambling problem is helping someone else to attain one.  If you have any idea what I'm talking about, punch yourself in the right eye four or five times and move on.  Also, please be so kind as to inform me because I'm completely lost.  Skip!

10. You CAN go home again...even if your home is in a new place you've never been to before.  This all depends on what you're looking for when you go "home."  Are you looking for everything to be the same and as though nothing has changed since you've been gone?  You will not find that.  If you're looking for the love and devotion that you once felt living with your family and friends surrounding CAN find that.  The new place may or may not be physical... things always change... but that doesn't mean what was there before can't be there still.

9. "I'ma be, I'ma be, I'ma I'ma I'ma be" somehow passes for lyrics. I love it.  Nope.  There's nothing to say about this.  I think it's horrible that I even used a list to post this tidbit of information.  I'm clearly filling space as I'm running out of things to say...

8. Do NOT hold a Mr. Sketch marker in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Just don't.  This comes with an epic story of childhood, a girl, her vices and her desires.  Imagine a 4 year old me (it shouldn't be hard... take me, make me shorter, same naivety, same filthy mouth and a higher pitched voice) who is supposed to be coloring in pre-school.  I also apparently convinced my pre-school teacher that I deserved a lollipop.  Truthfully, I probably wouldn't shut up about it and she figured a sugar rush might be the lesser of two evils...  Either way, I got distracted from both the lollipop and the coloring and lost all focus.  Next thing I know I am being laughed at by a LOT of kids in my class.  Why is that, you may ask?  Well, I forgot which hand was holding the lollipop and at the point of laughter my tongue was all purple from my Mr. Sketch marker that I've been licking/sucking on for a little while like half an R word.  So, yeah...don't do that. 

7. If you always drink water out of an opaque bottle that has bar branding on the outside, you can get away with putting alcohol in there once in a while. :)  I'm pretty sure I learned this in college while drinking a blue Powerade Den Pop.  You'd be shocked at how often I filled that thing with liquor and took it to class with me.  Or maybe you wouldn't be shocked.  Oh no...what kind of image have I set for myself?  I'm an uncontrollable alcoholic with a filthy mouth with which she should never kiss her mother.  Someone needs to get me in line...

6.  Well, if there's anything I learned about me in the 2 years since I started writing this it's that nothing's changed.  I still don't know how to finish a list without mailing it in at the end.  Sorry reader.







1 comment:

  1. If you had posted this without the comments, I would have judged you forever.


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