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Friday, November 15, 2013

Top 10 Ways to Make the Most Out of Your Hospitalization

I should first apologize for not posting on the designated day this week.  My Thursday was hardly ordinary and while it should have afforded me time to blog, what it did was knock me all out of whack.  I woke up and felt a pain I can't even explain.  Through some bodily functions and some lack of functioning it was decided I needed to go to the emergency room.  While I am not happy that I spent half of my Thursday in the ER in extreme pain, it did afford me some wonderful life lessons which I'd love to bestow upon you reader(s).  So, without further ado (since you've already had to wait an additional 24+ hours for a new blog post), here is today's new post.  Additionally, I've retreated to the Top Ten format for this special Friday blog.  You're welcome!

Top 10 Ways to Make the Most Out of Your Hospitalization

10. Wear cute underwear.  If you are lucky enough to be able to change your underwear before taking a trip to the hospital, make sure you put on a cute - and clean! - pair.  If you do not have time to pre-plan, I hope you are going to be as lucky as me.  I happened to be wearing the most adorable pair of lace boy shorts.  I didn't have an opportunity to show them off with a backless hospital gown, but you damn well better believe I was ready just in case!

9. Bring underwear.  In the case that you are unable to wear underwear to the hospital (maybe you broke your leg mid-sex or something awesome like that) or chose not to wear a bra because you were convinced the pain in your lower chest had to do with the pressure from your strap, make sure you can remedy this before you leave the hospital later.  Otherwise you will end up walking about Publix in search of soup and chocolate pudding with your arms folded across your chest fearing everyone is staring at your (exaggeration ahead) grandma-style sagging boobs.

8. Bring the Emergency Credit Card.  This is the definition of an emergency.  You know what's worse than racking up a big charge on your credit card?  Not getting treated because you didn't plan for a $300 hospital copay.  That exists, by the way.  I guess it's good that I had to pay for some of it because that probably means that my insurance is paying for most of it...right?  I hope?!?  Basically you just don't want to skimp on your health care because you only brought your debit card and ID.  Not that I did that.  Nope...

7. Enjoy the most expensive limo ride of your life.  That's right.  I took a boo-boo-box from my place to the hospital.  The paramedics asked me if I was enjoying my $1,000 cab ride.  Kudos to them for having a sense of humor about it.  Though, if I didn't have insurance, I probably would not have found it remotely funny.  That said, look out the back window.  Take in the scenery and the knowledge that most of the people on the road think your need to get somewhere takes priority over theirs.  It's nice to feel important and special.  Almost like a celebrity.  Three men waiting on me, chatting me up, asking me about my body?  Not a bad ride at all...

6. Quote movies.  Or, if you cannot, try to keep your wits about you and maintain your sense of humor.  If you have a moment in the expensive limo ride where one of the sexy men in uniform informs you that they need to attach heart monitors to your chest and he may need to "expose" you a bit, it's absolutely acceptable to reply with "They're called boobs, Ed."  They're trained professionals.  It's only awkward and uncomfortable if you make it that way.  Make it fun.  They've probably been working a 12 hour shift of crotchety people all night.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to flirt with a man in uniform.  Ever.  You're about to be in the presence of a very high number of uniformed human beings.  We can all agree that a uniform - whether ill fitting or not - is sexy.  So what you have tears streaming down your face?!  So what you've choked on your own snot?!  So what you've made barnyard noises you didn't know were possible whilst writhing in pain?!  So what you peed yourself?!  Use it to your advantage.  Examples of good enough flirting: "Wow.  I wish I wasn't so gross and in all look so nice and put together!"  and "I'm still wearing my running clothes...I wish I was wearing a bra...or one of your sexy uniforms.  How does a girl get herself into one of those?"  Yep.... real charmer over here.

4. Utilize your mastery of the English language to impress your doctors.  You know that little chart with pictures of cartoon faces and numbers for referencing your level of pain and discomfort?  Fuck that shit.  When the doctors ask you where it hurts, try not to impress them with what you remember from high school biology.  They will not be impressed.  What's better, you ask?  Point at your torso and say "if you could put your hand in's there."  And when they ask you what the pain feels like do not tell them that it's a 10.  First of all, it's always a 10.  If you're at the emergency room for a 6, get the fuck out.  If you're not at a 10, you're a fucking baby for wasting the hospitals time with your hang nail.  Second, THIS is the time to impress and entertain them.  Use a phrase that they're not used to hearing.  I'm absolutely certain I made someones day (and probably scared the shit out of other staff members) when I pressed the "nurse" button 5 times and told them I was "feeling stabby again."

3. Get the most bang for your buck.  Most likely you will have an IV started at some point.  Whether you have it done in the ambulance or at the hospital, you're already hooked up...make sure they use that shit like it is going out of style.  Get you some drugs for the pain.  If the regular morphine doesn't cut it, do not hesitate to request more or different medication.  Oh hey, while you're there, find out what your blood type is.  And, if they offer it, get a free HIV test.  How wonderful is it to get good news when you're at the hospital in pain?  WONDERFUL.  By the way, guess who still doesn't have HIV.  THIS GIRL!

2. Make sure you don't let your day of fun and adventure end at the hospital.  So you've been released to the wild world.  Now what?  Just go home, get in bed and rest/heal?  Text everyone and let them know you're alive?  How boring!  Allow me to suggest a secondary adventure.  Instead I suggest you realize on your way home that you don't have keys to your house.  Maybe you gave your "extra" key to your neighbor as the medics rolled you out on a stretcher so she could care for your dog.  Let's assume that she then locked it behind you and then went to work.  Maybe your actual set of keys (car keys and all) were still in the house!  How much fun is that?  Let the adventure begin!

1. Relish in the crazy that is taking pain meds.  If you are lucky enough to pull of the stabby charade, they'll likely send you home with a prescription for some serious pain medication.  If the meds don't immediately knock you out they will probably make you loopy.  For those of you who are confused, loopy basically means that you feel silly and funny and giggly and also like your head is not attached to your body.  Don't apologize for anything you do during this time that seems out of the ordinary.  You'd like to eat soup and wash it down with chocolate pudding?  Do it.  You want to clean the dishes while singing songs from Cinderella?  Do it!  You want to wear a formal emerald green BCBG ball down while watching Scandal because the characters are in formal dresses?  DO IT!!!  (I apologize for not having a photo of the last one... but it was epic.)

There you go, reader(s)!  Now you know how to make the most out of a possibly not awesome experience.  Please don't be injured or sick enough to go to the emergency room, but if you do, I hope this little tutorial helps you through it.


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